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Phoebe's Little Problem/Transcript
City Bus (On the bus, Harold hits Eugene with a spitball; in the back row, Arnold shows Rhonda a box of cookies) Rhonda :Prune cookies? Are you kidding? Arnold :My grandmother puts them in everything she bakes. Stinky :Wheel-acres, Arnold. I reckon prunes' just about the nastiest cookie flavor around. Phoebe :Actually, prunes are enjoyed the world over by people of all ages. And despite their rather unpleasant appearance, they're really quite tasty, not to mention an excellent source of iron and a wonderful implement of diterialation. Arnold :Here Phoebe, why don't you just take them? (gives the cookies to Phoebe) Phoebe :Don't mind if I do! The iron will give me energy when I accept my award this afternoon. (bites a cookie) Mmm, delicious! P.S. 118 (In the hallway, Phoebe eats some cookies and looks at the box) Phoebe :I guess I was really hungry. (throws the box away and feels her stomach gurgle) Oh, gosh! (Later in the auditorium) Principal Wartz :(clears throat) Boys and girls. Your attention please, boys and girls. (gets hit by a paper airplane; he then causes feedback, getting everyone's attention) Now students, please join me in congratulating the recipient of this month's excellence in attendance award for the 36th month in a row, I give you P.S. 118's own, Phoebe Heyerdahl! (everyone claps and cheers) Phoebe :Thank you, Principal Wartz. And thanks to all of you. After all, it isn't just my passion for knowledge and my superior dedication that keeps me dutifully coming back to P.S. 118 each and every day. It's also the kind, nurturing environment created by wonderful friends and peers. (everyone claps, and as Phoebe bows she inadvertently lets one rip into the microphone, leaving everyone surprised) Harold :Phoebe... Phoebe just farted! (everyone starts to laugh) Sid :Oh man, she cut the cheese! Rhonda :Into a microphone of all things. Harold :I'm gonna pee my pants! Phoebe :But, but, I didn't do it! It wasn't me I swear! It was, it was my shoe! Sid :Her shoe? Harold :That's a good one! (Everyone laughs while Phoebe gets embarrassed; she drops her microphone and runs out of the auditorium; Arnold follows) Arnold :Phoebe, wait! (outside the school) Phoebe :Forget it, Arnold, I'm going home. Arnold :What just happened? It's no big deal. I'm sure it happens all the time. In fact, I bet there's not one single person we know that doesn't have an embarrassing fart story. Phoebe :Well, have you ever done it in public, Arnold? You know, (whispers) pass gas? Arnold :Not exactly, I mean, not into a microphone. Phoebe :Then how can you possibly understand the utter humiliation of what I just experienced? Arnold :Look Phoebe, I know thing seem really bad right now, but trust me. By tomorrow everyone will have forgotten all about what just happened. Phoebe :Really? Arnold :I'm positive. Phoebe :Maybe you're right, Arnold. Perhaps by tomorrow everyone will have forgotten about my little, indiscretion. (The next day, Phoebe walks around the hallway) Phoebe :(sighs) So far so good. (she goes to get a drink of water from the fountain, and she hears a tooting noise behind her and sees Harold and the kids laughing at her) Harold :Look everyone! It's the farter! You couldn't let another one rip for us today, Little Miss Fartypants? (At this Phoebe runs off embarrassed. Scene changes to the cafeteria) Phoebe :I'll take the veggie puff, a slice of sourdough bread, and a portion of brussel sprouts, please. Lunch Lady :Are you sure that's a good idea, Phoebe? Phoebe :Pardon me? Lunch Lady :You know, because of your little problem. Brussel sprouts are quite gassy. Stinky :The lunch lady is right. You don't wanna be fluffering in front of everyone all over again. Sid :Or dropping anymore of those stink bombs. (imitates an explosion to everyone's amusement and Phoebe's embarrassment; scene changes to Mr. Simmons' class) Mr. Simmons :Now, who could come up to our beautiful and special chart of the human digestive trat and tell me which organ is the small intensine and which is the colin? How about you, Rhonda? Rhonda :Gosh, Mr. Simmons, maybe you oughta ask Phoebe instead, you know, since she's the digestion expert? (everyone laughs except Phoebe, Arnold and Mr. Simmons) Mr. Simmons :Now, class, I know you all may think what happened to Phoebe yesterday is amusing, but I assure you, it is not. Expulsion of gas is just a perfectly natural part of our body's very special digestion cycle. It's nothing to poke fun at, and nothing to be ashamed of. Now Rhonda, please come up to the front of the room, and point out the correct organs on the fart. (class laughs) I mean chart, I'm sor - I'm sor - I meant chart. Phoebe's House Phoebe :And then, during science class, instead of saying "chart", Mr. Simmons inadvertently said, well, you know, and so, consequently, I've decided that I'm never going back to school ever again. Phoebe's Mom :Perhaps you ought to take a little time before you make up your mind per cern. Phoebe's Dad :Why don't you just stay home the rest of the week. By then you'll have a better perspective on the situation. Phoebe :All right, but I assure you, I'm quite infatic about my decision. (doorbell rings, Phoebe opens it) Phoebe :Arnold? What are you doing here? Arnold :Well, I was thinking about what a rough day you had and I wanted to stop by and make sure everything's okay. Phoebe :Why I'm just fine. Arnold :Really? That's good to hear! Phoebe :Yep. Ever since I decided that I'm never going back to P.S. 118 I'm doing just great. Arnold :Never going back to P.S. 118? Phoebe, don't you think you're overreacting? Phoebe :No Arnold, I think I'm being perfectly rational considering the circumstances. Arnold :Come on Phoebe, you know you can't run away from this, this farting thing. Phoebe :I'm sorry Arnold but I've made up my mind. As long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas passer, I'm afraid I have no other choice than to turn the other cheek. (closes the door and reopens it) No pun intended. (closes the door again; Arnold sighs) P.S. 118 Classroom Arnold :And she's so embarrassed and upset that she's never coming back to P.S. 118. Mr. Simmons :Thank you Arnold, for bringing this very serious issue to our attention. (sighs) Now people, one of our own classmates is in trouble and it's up to us to help her through her crisis. I think we should all go over to Phoebe's after school and tell her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about. I think we should tell her that we love her and care for her. And if she comes back to school we'll all forget about her little incident and never talk about it again, what do ya say? (beat) Okay if we pull this off then tomorrow's Movie Day. (class cheers) Phoebe's House Mr. Simmons :Okay now, remember class, we're all here to make Phoebe feel better about her little, incident, and to remind her that we love her, we care about her well being, and above all that she is special to us. Now who wants to go first? How about you Rhonda? (in Phoebe's room) Rhonda :Now this whole thing is just silly. Trust me, eventually, this nightmare is going to end. Phoebe :It is? Rhonda :Of course it is, and before you know it, everyone is going to stop making fun of you to your face. Instead, they'll only make fun of you behind your back. (This only makes Phoebe groan) (Stinky's next) Stinky :I heard you were a might upset, and I just wanted to try and cheer you up. Phoebe :I appreciate the intense Stinky, but I'm afraid you're wasting your time. Stinky :Well, you might be right, but anyways, I wrote you a poem to express the way I feel about you. (clears throat and begins to read) If our dear friend Phoebe went away, we wouldn't know just what to say. If I could wish upon a star, I'd wish you'd stay here where you are. If you go,﻿ then we'll be blue. All of us kids and Mr. Simmons too. It seems a shame that we'd be parted. Just on a counta, you farted. (this only makes Phoebe cry, so Stinky crumples up the poem and walks out) (Mr. Simmons is next) Mr. Simmons :Phoebe, I know what you've experienced seems like an insurmountable obstacle to you now, but I promise you, you will overcome it. Phoebe :How do you know? Mr. Simmons :Well for one thing I've already forgotten about it, in fact when I look at you the only thing I can see is a bright, caring, sensitive and very talented young lady with the world on her feet. Phoebe :You're just saying that to make me feel better. Mr. Simmons :No I'm not, Phoebe. I really mean it. Phoebe :Really? Mr. Simmons :Really. (Phoebe takes off her glasses and wipes a tear from her eye) Phoebe :Thanks. Mr. Simmons :You're welcome. Now, what do you say we join the class and the rest of the school and forget about what just happened and put this little episode behind us forever? Let’s move on and make a brand new fart. Phoebe :Mr. Simmons! (stars to cry again) Mr. Simmons :Start! Oh, I meant start, Phoebe! (Helga's next) Helga :Look Phoebe you gotta snap out of this. I mean criminy, it's not like it's the first time you ever farted. Heck, when you sleepover you do it all the time. You rip'em all night long, they stink to high heaven. It's all I can do to keep from passing out. Phoebe :Just get out. (Helga does) Helga :Well, it's all up to you now, football head. (Arnold walks in) Arnold :Phoebe? Do you feel any better? Phoebe :Actually, Arnold, I feel worse. I know now that no one is ever going to forget what I did. From now on, when people look at me, the only thing they'll see is a girl who flatulated. Arnold :That's not true. Phoebe :Get real Arnold! 9 years of living have been reduced to one, to one, solitary fart! Arnold :Come on Phoebe. You know there's more to you than that. Phoebe :Well of course there is, Arnold! I'm smart and funny! I'm neat, and clean, and organized! I have a perfect attendance record, and I'm very good at checkers! Arnold :Well, then you have to do something to make people remember all those things. You have a choice to make. You can run away from your problems, sit in your room and hide from the world. Or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself. Phoebe ''' :I can't do that, Arnold. I can't face them. '''Arnold :If you can't face the class, how will you ever face yourself? (walks out) P.S. 118 Auditorium Principal Wartz :Students, students, may I have your attention please? Harold :Oh, I hope this doesn't take long, I gotta see a man about a dog. Principal Wartz :We now continue with our monthly assembly which was unfortunately interrupted by recent unforeseen events. (as he says this Phoebe walks in and whispers something to Principal Wartz) You do? Alright, students, Miss Heyerdahl has something to say. Sid :What do you bet she does it again? (he, Stinky and Harold snicker) She might blow. (Phoebe lowers the microphone and begins to speak) Phoebe :Until three days ago, I was Phoebe Heyerdahl--4th grader, straight A student, and a good friend to a lot of you. But then something happened. I accidentally... (is nervous to say the word)... uh, well, I accidentally passed—went... (finds the courage) Heck, I'm just gonna say it: I farted! (the kids laugh out loud) Yes, I let one rip, I honked a big jawber, blew the tuba, popped a wafter. You all thought it was pretty funny. (kids stop laughing seeing how furious she is) I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd think it was kind of funny too. But ever since then, I've gone from being Phoebe Heyerdahl to just that girl who farted—and I don't think it's fair, because I'm more than that! If you ask me, I don't have anything to be ashamed of; I think you're the ones who should be ashamed! (hands the microphone back to Principal Wartz) Principal Wartz :Well, I for one applaud Miss Heyerdahl for having the courage to stand up for herself. And I think you should too. What do you say, gang? Harold :I got something to say. Phoebe's a farter! Phoebe's a farter! (laughs; then instantly wets his pants) Uh-oh! Sid :Look! Harold wet his pants! (Connie appeared to be the first person to hear that) Stinky :Harold wet his pants! (kids laugh) Harold :Waaaaaa! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Rhonda :He is never going to hear the end of it. Harold :Oh no! Category:Phoebe's Little Problem Category:Episode transcripts